My Sweet Hope....

Today is not going to go how I planned. Today was supposed to be the day I shared our pregnancy with the world. Today is the day that I was going to get congratulations and words of excitement. Today was supposed to be the day we could finally shout to the world that our sweet Brinley Grace was going to be a big sister. Today is not that day.

Today is a sad day, one I wasn’t sure I’d even want to share. However, this blog is about our family and two weeks ago we lost a member of our family. I found out I was pregnant the day before Mother’s Day. I was happy as can be spending Mother’s Day knowing I was the Mommy to two sweet babies. The next few weeks progressed as normal and were all very excited. On June 8^th we had our first prenatal appointment where we got to see and hear our sweet baby’s heartbeat. It was a wonderful day and we were on cloud 9. Baby Hope was measuring a few days smaller than I thought I should be so our wonderful NP suggested we just come back in two weeks to take another look and get a firm due date. She wasn’t worried that the baby was measuring small since there are so many variables when measuring a baby and we were able to see a nice strong heartbeat. Since she wasn’t worried, we weren’t either.

I went home the next week and shared the news with even more family and friends. Everyone was so excited.

On June 21^st we went to my second ultrasound. Ryan and Brinley were both there with me as we were excited to get another glimpse of our sweet baby. The second she turned on the screen I knew something was wrong. I could see the baby and I immediately noticed the lack of the sweet flicker of the tiny heartbeat. She looked around and magnified the sack, but then she said the words I already knew were coming… “I’m not seeing a heartbeat.” My heart stopped and it felt as though my whole world had just came crashing down. She got a second opinion but the verdict was the same. Both opinions seemed to think we had lost Hope just shortly after our first appointment. We had lost our sweet baby.  

I had no signs of a miscarriage so we talked about our options. The next few hours and days were a constant struggle as I lived in miscarriage hell. After two failed cytotec doses I was finally able to get in for a D&C. I was a bundle of emotions. Fine one minute hysterical the next. Checking in for the procedure was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I made it through check in without crying but promptly broke into sobs when I returned to Ryan. There is something so wrong about checking in for a procedure that would soon end the one thing we wanted so badly. The procedure itself was quick and thankfully the recovery has been easy. I finally felt as though I had some closure and I’m now working on the rest of my emotions.

The support of my family and friends has been such an amazing blessing during this horrible time. Having others share their heartbreaking experiences helped me feel as though I wasn’t alone and that is what really helped me decide it was time to share. This is not something you want to go through alone and I knowing I had support was amazing. 

Today is not the day I was expecting and I’m expecting a lot of that over the next 7 months leading up to my January 22^nd due date. Today is the day I share with the world our sweet baby Hope….

Sweet Baby Hope with us for ~8 weeks, but always in our hearts....