Today is not going to go how I planned. Today was supposed
to be the day I shared our pregnancy with the world. Today is the day that I
was going to get congratulations and words of excitement. Today was supposed to
be the day we could finally shout to the world that our sweet Brinley Grace was
going to be a big sister. Today is not that day.
Today is a sad day, one I wasn’t sure I’d even want to
share. However, this blog is about our family and two weeks ago we lost a
member of our family. I found out I was pregnant the day before Mother’s Day. I
was happy as can be spending Mother’s Day knowing I was the Mommy to two sweet
babies. The next few weeks progressed as normal and were all very excited. On
June 8th we had our first prenatal appointment where we got to see
and hear our sweet baby’s heartbeat. It was a wonderful day and we were on
cloud 9. Baby Hope was measuring a few days smaller than I thought I should be
so our wonderful NP suggested we just come back in two weeks to take another
look and get a firm due date. She wasn’t worried that the baby was measuring
small since there are so many variables when measuring a baby and we were able
to see a nice strong heartbeat. Since she wasn’t worried, we weren’t either.
I went home the next week and shared the news with even more
family and friends. Everyone was so excited.
On June 21st we went to my second ultrasound.
Ryan and Brinley were both there with me as we were excited to get another
glimpse of our sweet baby. The second she turned on the screen I knew something
was wrong. I could see the baby and I immediately noticed the lack of the sweet
flicker of the tiny heartbeat. She looked around and magnified the sack, but
then she said the words I already knew were coming… “I’m not seeing a heartbeat.”
My heart stopped and it felt as though my whole world had just came crashing
down. She got a second opinion but the verdict was the same. Both opinions
seemed to think we had lost Hope just shortly after our first appointment. We
had lost our sweet baby.
I had no signs of a miscarriage so we talked about our
options. The next few hours and days were a constant struggle as I lived in
miscarriage hell. After two failed cytotec doses I was finally able to get in
for a D&C. I was a bundle of emotions. Fine one minute hysterical the next.
Checking in for the procedure was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in
my life. I made it through check in without crying but promptly broke into sobs
when I returned to Ryan. There is something so wrong about checking in for a
procedure that would soon end the one thing we wanted so badly. The procedure
itself was quick and thankfully the recovery has been easy. I finally felt as
though I had some closure and I’m now working on the rest of my emotions.
The support of my family and friends has been such an
amazing blessing during this horrible time. Having others share their
heartbreaking experiences helped me feel as though I wasn’t alone and that is
what really helped me decide it was time to share. This is not something you
want to go through alone and I knowing I had support was amazing.
Today is not the day I was expecting and I’m expecting a lot
of that over the next 7 months leading up to my January 22nd due
date. Today is the day I share with the world our sweet baby Hope….
Sweet Baby Hope with us for ~8 weeks, but always in our hearts....
